It seems like just yesterday I was blabbing about turning 48, but so it goes in blog years. I’ve used this space to track time over the last 16 years or so, and it truly does feel like my site of record. I’ve watched a bunch of folks I grew up with celebrating this landmark passage into old age on Facebook and it seems deeply depressing to me, it’s like having your 50th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.
Nothing beats the blog, it’s a space where I’m not afraid to admit this was a weird one for me. I’ve spent much of my 40s trying to recover both physically and financially from my 20s and 30s. My 40s ruled, in large part because the scales dropped from my eyes when it came to institutional servitude: I started Reclaim Hosting, left UMW, moved to Italy, spent much more time with my family, and even got into collecting arcade games.
I also came to terms with the fact I don’t have world enough and time and I need to start thinking beyond my EDUPUNK guns. Being sober for almost all of this time helped tremendously, and accepting my manic depression and learning to live with it made me a better husband, father, colleague, and, hopefully, mentor. You’re never cured of your brain, and those of us who regularly struggle to trust it might even become stronger for it. It’s kinda like Venom, you learn to live with, and maybe even control, the alien invader within.
In that sense, the passing of time has been a godsend for accepting my real hard limits as a person and doubling down on what I enjoy (and might even be decent at). But time looms, and while 50 is symbolic and it’s only a number and all that new age shit, I was young once and I know 50 isn’t that. In fact, we live in a delusional moment where we believe enough mountain climbing and dog walking can counter-act our fate, but I know the cold, hard reality is still out there and it tolls for me! I’m honestly not sure what this next set of numbers will bring my way, hence the idea of this being a weird one, but I do hope the personal and professional work I put in over the last decade makes whatever comes my way that much more manageable, or even enjoyable!
50 fucking years old, old man bava and the blog 🙂